Aspen Grove Counseling Blog

I have seen hundreds of couples who came in because their relationship was not what they wanted it to be, and in at least 90% of those cases, the couples themselves indicated their communication process was broken. Good communication is a cornerstone of a fulfilling relationship, whereas poor communication can create stress and dysfunction. Given the prevalence of communication difficulties in relationships, I want to offer a simple set of suggestions to couples having these problems. If you would like to strengthen communication in your relationship, consider these steps:

1. Listen and understand

2. Validate

3. Empathize

Step one, listen and understand, breaks the more typical back and forth process that many couples use and leads to a more productive discussion. Couples can often become trapped in a cycle where each is trying to convince the other that their ideas, thoughts, and feelings are the right ones. In order to communicate effectively, each partner must take a turn sitting back and listening to the other. You must let go of the need to be right, and only hold on to the need to be heard and understood. Similarly, you must provide space to let your partner be heard and understood. Listening and understanding is what provides space for validation and empathy to follow.

Step two, validating the other person’s ideas, thoughts, and feelings, is often where couples get stuck. Validation does not imply that you agree with the other person, only that you understand their feelings. Whether or not you agree with the other person, validation is critical in helping the other person feel respected and understood. Remember, validation is not capitulation. Validation means acknowledging and understanding the reasons your partner thinks or feels a certain way.

Step three, empathizing, means connecting with your partner on an emotional level and emotionally understanding the other person’s position. This emotional connection grows from validation, and serves to bring the couple closer together. Over time, empathy can heal the wounds caused by poor communication. Empathy is missing or in short supply in many relationships, and using these steps to reach a place of empathy can be a huge help. Each partner needs to accept the emotional risk of putting themselves in their partner’s shoes.

It is important to notice that steps are not about how you talk to your partner, but rather they are about how you listen. These steps provide a way to step back and ensure the other partner feels valued, respected, and understood. You should not approach a discussion with your partner from the perspective of trying to win, but rather, approach it from a perspective of understanding. I want to reiterate that the common cycle of communication wherein couples struggle over who is right is not a good model for communication. Listening, validating, and empathizing break that struggle and create healthy communication in a relationship. The bottom line is to remember that most communication is ultimately not about right and wrong; it is about understanding differences, validating those differences, and having empathy. In productive communication, listening is more important than talking.

Finally, there are a number of books that have been written to help couples having communication difficulties. If you are interested in additional resources regarding this approach to communication, I recommend Harvel Hendrix’s Getting The Love You Want. The book is great for couples to read together to get insight into communication problems and methods of listening, validating, and empathizing.

I have had several people asking me about ADHD lately. If you think your child might need some extra help, it can be tough to know where to start. Typically, the first person to talk with is your pediatrician. She can evaluate your child and give you some ideas about where to begin. The pediatrician’s evaluation will often include asking you and your child’s teacher to complete a behavior rating scale. If your child fits criteria for ADHD, she will likely recommend a combination of behavioral, educational, and medication treatments.  Since ADHD symptoms overlap with many other problems (e.g., anxiety, learning disabilities, sleep disorders) you may want to do some further evaluation with a psychologist who specializes in ADHD assessment. I often refer to Dr. Julien Smith who is a pediatric neuropsychologist in Salt Lake City (www.cns-slc.com).  A thorough evaluation will give you ideas about where to focus intervention.
The most recent recommendations from the American Psychological Association are that you focus first on making changes in the child’s environment (home and school) and then consider medication options.   “Taking Charge of ADHD” by Russell Barkley (www.russellbarkley.org) is a great book to find details about which interventions really work. Be careful about the information you find on-line as there is a lot of misinformation out there.  A great resource on-line is www.chadd.org . Parenting a child with ADHD can be challenging, so remember to take care of yourself and surround yourself with a team of supportive people.

I recently read The Gifts of Imperfection by Brené Brown. Brené Brown (http://www.brenebrown.com) is a shame and vulnerability researcher who has spent years studying the effects shame has on our overall happiness.  I found the book incredibly powerful and many of her points are ones I try to express while helping clients in therapy.   As a therapist, I try to help people live happy, authentic, meaningful lives and Brené Brown articulates those ideas in a very warm way, supported by 10 years of her research.  The following is a link to her recent TED talk where she discusses emotions being a package deal.  We can’t only shut off the uncomfortable ones and keep the ones that feel good.  The goal is learning healthy coping skill to deal when we feel flooded with hard emotions.  I believe it is worth 16 minutes of your day.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_UoMXF73j0c

Are you curious about hypnosis – but kind of scared, too? It is no surprise that people are wary about hypnotism. We’ve all had some exposure to hypnosis that makes it seem like the hypnotist is controlling people’s minds. The reality is that, hypnosis (called hypnotherapy in a clinical context) is actually very safe and effective as long as you are working with a health care professional (e.g., doctor, psychologist, dentist) who has been properly trained. And, the person under hypnosis is in complete control at all times.
When you go into hypnosis, you allow yourself to completely relax so that you are open to suggestion. You are awake and can hear what is being said. If the suggestion being offered is something that feels uncomfortable to you, your mind will automatically reject it. You are also in control of moving into deeper or lighter states of relaxation. So, the answer to your question is: No, hypnosis will not make you walk like a chicken. In fact, hypnosis will not make you do anything you don’t want to do. But, it is an effective tool you can use for many types of issues. For more information about hypnotherapy, check out the American Society of Clinical Hypnosis (www.asch.net). You can also find more about making an appointment at www.hypmind.com.

With the recent death of Whitney Houston, people that we care about and that we are concerned might have a substance abuse problem may be on our minds. Below you will find a list of signs of substance abuse and dependence, as well as suggestions related to how to help a friend or family member about whom you are concerned. The National Institute on Drug Abuse also has an extensive website with more information related to these issues at www.nida.nih.gov.

Signs of Substance Abuse or Dependence

Work or academic difficulties, e.g. substance related absences from work or declining grades
Problems in relationships with family or friends
Loss of control or impulsive behavior, such as engaging in destructive behavior or sustaining injuries
Person engaging in behavior that she or he later regrets
Decrease in formerly pleasurable activities such as hobbies
“Out of character” behavior or personality changes
Legal problems
Spending time with friends who abuse substances
Physical signs, such as bloodshot eyes, slurred or racing speech
Actually being intoxicated or high
Using substances to cope with problems
Substance use in dangerous situations such as driving
Passing out (becoming unconscious) or blacking out (experiencing memory loss)
Continued use of substances despite numerous negative consequences
Experiencing tolerance (needing to use more of the substance for the same effect or using the same amount and getting less effect)
Experiencing withdrawal (physical symptoms such as tremors, seizures, nausea, hangovers, etc.) if the person stops using or decreases the amount of substance use, or needing to continue using in order to avoid withdrawal symptoms
Substance being used in larger amounts or over a longer period of time than the person intended
Person attempts to and fails to cut down or control use of substance/s
A great deal of time and effort is spent on acquiring and using substance/s
Person denies that he or she has a problem

How To Help When Someone You Love Has A Substance Abuse Problem

Be aware of the warning signs of substance abuse (see list above)
Gather information about local treatment resources (The National Institute on Drug Abuse has a treatment facility locater), as well as AA or NA support groups near the person about whom you are concerned.
Choose a time and private place when the person is sober to talk with them about your concerns.
Talk to the person on an individual basis, rather than staging an “intervention.” Most people will become more defensive when confronted by a group.
Be nonjudgmental, clear, and consistent in your approach,
Discuss specific behaviors about which you are concerned.
Share your feelings about the person and how her or his behavior has affected you, e.g. “I felt hurt when you were drunk at that party and yelled at me, because I care about and am worried about you and value our friendship.”
Set limits on behavior that you will not tolerate.
Be a good role model by living a healthy lifestyle.
Do not hesitate to inform other friends, family, or professionals especially if the person is in any kind of danger, e.g. suicidal or engaging in other reckless behavior.
Do not be surprised if the person denies a problem or is defensive. You can still be helpful by letting them know that you care, giving them the feedback that you are aware that something is wrong, and offering them treatment resources.
Know that while the person may not respond positively at the time, you are planting the seed that people are concerned and that there is help available.
Be aware of your boundaries and limits. You cannot control another person or force them to get help. You can only offer your concern and support. The rest is up to the individual.
Consider counseling or Al Anon for yourself, as dealing with an addicted friend or family member can be extremely stressful.

The next community Empowerment Workshop will be “Say What? Communication and Power Dynamics in Relationships.” This 6-week workshop will go in-depth to empower you with knowledge, skills, and support to increase your ability to express yourself, listen to others and yourself with empathy, and resolve conflicts more effectively in relationships. How to use anger and awareness to maintain healthy boundaries will also be discussed, along with other power dynamics that manifest in communication and the verbal tug-of-war. This interactive workshop takes place February 27, March 5, 12, 19, 26, and April 2, Mondays, from 6:30-8:00 pm. The workshop is facilitated by Joshua Bytendorp, MS, and Kendrick Allen, was co-created by Lee Beckstead, PhD & Jordan Rullo, MS. Held in the Middle Meeting room at the Utah Pride Center (361 North 300 West), these groups are open to all sexual orientations/gender identities. Cost is $15 for the first or second three-week module. Reduced costs are available on request. Participants are asked to commit to the first three sessions and/or the last three, and join the first or fourth week. Contact Joshua at 801-573-1194 for more information or to register. Workshops following this one will focus on sexuality and spirituality.

As a nation, we watched with horror as the Charles and Braden Powell tragedy unfolded. Even as adults, it can be difficult for us to comprehend such sad events. Some of us may attempt to deal with such actions by trying to search out and understand every last detail of the story. Others may do the opposite and push the event away from their minds. Some of us may try and pretend that nothing has happened. When sad and difficult events occur in our world, it is hard to know how we should react.

As difficult as tragedy can be for adults, it poses even more challenges for children. When children encounter stories like these, the stories may give rise to questions, concerns, fears, and anxieties.  As adults, it is difficult to know how to address our children’s questions about such events, whether in the news or in our personal lives. We want to be truthful with our children, but we also want to protect them from the cruelties of the world.  In Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, after basic physiological needs such as food and water, our very biggest need as human beings is to have a sense of safety.  If children do not feel safe, nothing else makes up for that need.

Being unsafe sometimes and and being uncertain sometimes are a part of the world in which our children live. As parents, we have the difficult task of reconciling this with our desire to keep our children safe. Below are some guidelines for discussing traumatic events with children. These guidelines apply whether we are discussing an earthquake in Thailand or the death of a family in Washington.

1-  Provide answers to the child’s questions at the child’s level of development.  If your child is very young, their community is their world.  There is no reason for you to expose them to the news of the world.  They do not have a sense of perspective with which to filter or understand the information they are getting.  Often at this age, the best course of action is to make sure kids are not exposed to media that is geared towards giving adults information.

2- An effective answer to your children’s questions about difficult events starts with listening carefully to the question.  In the child’s question, you will want to look for the emotion that is behind the question, and answer both the content of the question while also addressing the emotion that the child is trying to convey.
As an example, if a child has heard about the Charles and Braden Powell tragedy, they may come home and ask “is it true that a dad killed his kid?” To create an appropriate answer, first tell the truth: “yes it is true that happened.” You want to tell the truth, even if it is a hard truth because that says to the child that no matter how hard the situation, you can trust me as your parent.  Often parents want to lie to soften the truth, but this merely teaches children that parents cannot be counted on in times of stress.
Next, address the emotion behind the question by saying something like, “ I bet that feels scary to think that a father could kill his children.”  By taking this step you are letting the child know that you understand the child’s feelings.  Often providing words to children’s emotions helps them open up and express more of their feelings.

3- You can then help address an emotion like fear by putting the event in context. Children have no sense of proportion for tragic events, and you can help provide them one. Try to find an easy and relatable way to put an event in perspective. Continuing with the example from above, you might look at a huge field of grass and let the child know that there are more fathers in this world than there are blades of grass.  That one of those fathers was broken and so he did a very wrong thing. Let the child know that makes most people sad and scared, but we forget to see that there are all those blades of grass out there that are not broken. This sense of perspective and scale can be comforting to the child.

4- Reassure the child about blame. When bad things happen, children sometimes blame themselves and other children. In the above example, let the child know that whatever happened was not the boys’ fault. Let them know that no matter what, you would never behave that way.

5- Ask the child what would help them feel better. This gives the child some power in an otherwise powerless situation. Perhaps they want to draw a picture for the family or write a poem.  Maybe they need to cry or be held.  If they are older they may want to donate some money or time to a children’s shelter project.  Down the road, this can become a stepping stone to discussions about what it means to be a parent and what an important job it is.

6- Above all the goal is to teach your children that bad things can happen in this world and we cannot control that, but we can control who we are and how we respond to those situations.  Also show your child that no matter what, you will be there as an anchor to be truthful and to allow your children to show and explore their feelings about their world.

It is sometimes tricky to figure out how to show your love on this day that has been commercialized and filled with expectations. It is possible to use Valentine’s Day as an opportunity to feel more connected without breaking the bank. It may be that you use this day as a chance to really think about how the person you care about feels loved. Dr. Gary Chapman, author of “The 5 Love Languages” (www.5lovelanguages.com) suggests that there are 5 ways that people express and interpret love. If you can figure out your partner’s love language, you can show you care and create real connection.
What are the 5 love languages and how do I figure out which one works for my partner?

The 5 love languages are:
Words of Affirmation (compliments, “I love you.”)
Quality Time (giving your full, undivided attention)
Receiving Gifts (thoughtful gestures that require effort)
Acts of Service (“Let me do that for you.”)
Physical Touch (hugs, playful touch, massage, sex)

You can usually figure out which one works best for your partner by paying attention to what he or she does for you.  Or, maybe your partner has told you what works.
Once you identify your partner’s love language, you simply need to make a small gesture of love that will reap big relationship rewards. For example, if your partner’s language is Words of Affirmation, you may consider writing him a love letter or giving her a mushy Valentine’s Day card expressing your love. If physical touch does the trick, consider making a “date” for an intimate evening together after the kids go to bed. With a little thought, this could be your best Valentine’s Day yet.